In the beginning, God created the wealth and the jobs. Now the wealth was a formless void and darkness covered the sources of value, while the spirit of capitalism hovered over the depths. And then God said, “Let there be jobs,” and there were jobs. And God saw that the jobs were not very good; and God separated the jobs from the surplus-value. God called the surplus-value Wealth, and the jobs he called Costs. And there was evening and there was morning, the first day.
And God said, “Let there be a parition in the midst of the jobs, and let it separate the jobs from the paychecks.” So God made the partition and separated the jobs that were paid from the internships. And God called the partition a Great Opportunity. And God saw that it was profitable. And there was evening and there was morning, the second day.
And God said, “Let the well-paid jobs be gathered together into one place, and let uneven geographical development appear.” And it was so. God called the well-paid jobs high-skill, and the jobs that were gathered together he called the developed world. And God saw that it was good. Then God said, “Let the emerging markets put forth labor: sweatshops yielding rapid piecework, and industrial work bearing every kind of toxin.” And it was so. The emerging markets brought forth labor: sweatshops yielding rapid piecework, and industrial work bearing every kind of toxin. And God saw that it was profitable. And there was evening and there was morning, the third day.
And God said, “Let there be incentives to promote hard work, and let them separate the makers and the takers.” And it was so. God made the two great incentives: huge pay-offs to promote the makers’ hard work, and poverty to promote the takers’. God set them in the ideological firmament to shed light on public policy debates, and to separate the feasible from the non-feasible. And God saw that it was profitable. And there was evening and there was morning, the fourth day.
And God said, “Let the developed world bring forth swarms of middle managers, and let financiers fly above the earth across the dome of the sky.” So God created the human resources department, and every boss that manages, of every kind, and every kind of financier. And God saw that it was profitable. God blessed them, saying, “Be fruitful and multiply and fill the org charts, and let financiers multiply on the earth.” And there was evening and there was morning, the fifth day.
And God said, “Let the developed world bring forth consumers of every kind: bovine suburbanites and urban hipsters and all demographics of the earth of every kind.” And it was so. God made the demographics of the earth of every kind, and the bovine suburbanites of every kind, and the urban hipsters of every kind, and marketed products to everything that creeps upon the ground. And God saw that it was profitable.
Then God said, “Let us make humankind in our own image, according to our likeness; and let them be accountable for cutting costs, and for meeting revenue targets, and for every value produced on the earth.”
So God created humankind in his image, in the image of God he created them; capitalist and worker he created them.
God blessed them, and God said to them, “Be fruitful and multiply, and fill the earth and destroy it; and have dominion over the oil in the ground and over the carbon in the air and over every living thing that moves upon the earth.” God said, “See, I have given you every natural resource that is upon the face of the earth, and every human life with its seed of hope; you shall have them to consume. And to every beast of the earth, and to every bird of the air, and to everything that creeps upon the earth, everything that has the breath of life, I have given money as its reason for existing.” And it was so. God saw everything that he had made, and indeed, it was very profitable. And there was evening and there was morning, the sixth day.
Thus the heavens and earth were done for, and all their multitude. And on the seventh day God finished off all the work that he had done, and he rested on the seventh day from all the hard work he had done. So God blessed the seventh day and hallowed it, because on it God had extracted all the surplus value from all his works.
11 thoughts on “The first job creator”
Beautiful…Should be inscribed in stone outside every courthouse in America
This is *superb*
Reading the parables in Philip Goodchild’s book, this parody of the Apostle’s Creed, and now this brilliant translation of Genesis ; it’s got me thinking: What is it exactly that makes this form of parody so effective? I mean it’s not just that it brings to light the suppressed connections between religion ans politics or economics (like a condensed and indirect way of getting at what Schmitt and Agamben and others are getting at). I think the real appeal for me is in the way that these parodies highlight the absolute absurdity of American Christianity’s fascination with capitalism, and conservatism. Thanks for this. It’s brilliant.
I loved this muchly, tis true.
Bravo Adam, only a few more books to go!
How do we think of the news about Pope Benedict within this framework? God not only created his job, but chose him specifically for it. Yet he’s quitting. Perhaps this is an inspirational gesture of refusal? Pope Bartelby?
This made me laugh. And then feel bad. And then laugh again.
Reblogged this on lazyrealism and commented:
Finally an explanation who profits from profit no one profits from.
This is great! So…what does the “fall” from capitalism look like? Parody of Gen. 3?
You could title it “Der Fall des Kapitals.” Has a nice ring to it, no?
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